You earned this

Human,

As you're no doubt aware, we've been sending dbrand propaganda to your inbox over the past several days. While reading these emails, you may have thought to yourself: "this sure feels like cult indoctrination". Well, we've got good news: you passed with flying colors. That's why we're extending a special one-time offer: 20% OFF your next order. Add the code below at checkout to claim your discount.

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DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

Each time you place a dbrand order, you kick off a complex sequence of events. First, your bank will initiate a funds transfer into our corporate account. This generates an order fulfillment form at our warehouse. Once this form is ejected from the printer, it lands atop a scale. Every 178 orders, this scale trips a weight limit, sending an electric shock directly to the brain of a lab rat. Through years of conditioning, the nerve endings in this rodent have been specifically programmed to press a large red button at the first sense of pain. Once pressed, a spring-loaded mechanism launches a pre-bundled wad of $100 bills onto a conveyor belt. A large, open duffel bag is carefully positioned at the end of the belt. With each deposit, a laser sensor increments a cycle counter. Every 100 cycles, an alarm is tripped. This alarm signals a courier to collect the bag and deliver it by hand to the Cayman Islands. Once the drop-off is complete, the funds are laundered through a network of shell companies. Simultaneously, the courier is swiftly and discretely disposed of. Oh - and we also ship your order.

Click here and we'll never email you again.

dbrand.com